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Friday, November 15th, 2002
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1:44 pm
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| Friday, May 31st, 2002
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12:05 pm
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beauty, unadjusted. i can't stop staring. let me put your face in the closet. no one else should see it.
current mood: it's sunny, fucking guess
current music: "down" -311
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(...i'm spinning;)
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| Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
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11:14 pm - the last few weeks
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headaches, fear of losing, frozen time, mushrooms, alice and her wonderland, krispy kreme, #4 on some soundtrak, bear suits, 5 hours drives, motels, lucy, fights on the work phone, beginning again, "love the one you're with", recognition, cleaning, acoustic tracks, my dad's poetry, the border, finding my clothes and makeup, attempts at skateboarding, too much sleep, not enough sleep, drinking out of wine bottles in the parking lot at the club, screaming, new shoes, unknown towns, horses, packing, the hot tub, crying, almost forgotten memories, change, the seconds it makes sense, my 8th house, sat scores, haircuts, falling for you over and over again, humidity, remembering it all
current mood:  happy
current music: "alone (acousitc)" -ben harper
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(1 spun... | ...i'm spinning;)
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| Sunday, May 26th, 2002
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4:55 pm - mika kato
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| Friday, May 24th, 2002
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9:08 am - the strangers in my mind
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"hi."
"hey."
"do you remember my name?"
"yeah."
"what is it?" (she demanded)
"i guess i don't remember. do you remember mine?"
"jason."
(she said my name unlike anyone else)
"oh," (i muttered.)
"you almost made me believe in fate for a second."
"what happened?"
"you forgot my name."
current mood:  nerdy
current music: "where shadows lie" -gatsby's american dream
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(1 spun... | ...i'm spinning;)
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| Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
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10:57 am
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"first try to be something, anything else. a movie star/astronaut. a movie star/missionary. a movie star/kindergarten teacher. president of the world. fail miserably. it is best if you fail at an early age - say, fourteen. early, critical disillisionment is necessary so that at fifteen you can write long haiku sentences about thwarted desire. it is a pond, a cherry blossom, a wind brushing against sparrow wing leaving for a mountain. count the syllables. show your mom."
-Lorrie Moore
current mood:  awake
current music: "loom" -ani difranco
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(...i'm spinning;)
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| Tuesday, May 21st, 2002
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4:03 pm
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begin stupid post....
i hate bellevue and i hate lowered cars. i hate people in bellevue who have lowered cars. i hate how it takes them five minutes to go over speed bumps so they don't scratch the bottom of their precious automobiles. i hate driving. i hate driving without my stereo. i hate driving on I-405 at 2pm, THERE IS ALWAYS TRAFFIC. i hate driving in the rain.
and i would like to publicly apologize to the nun i caught off on the freeway. i thought you were a bald, fat man who had to feel his 50 year old life's excitement by tailgaiting me and then eventually passing me by going 90 mph, only to get two cars ahead of me when traffic slows down. so i apologize.
on the up side, skittles have a new mystery flavor. i find it to be both refreshingly wonderful and titillating. i think it's even better then the purple ones.
....end stupid post.
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(3 spun... | ...i'm spinning;)
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| Monday, May 20th, 2002
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12:29 am
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i see nothing in myself from years before. my remorse turns a cold cheek to the faltering carelessness of my gasping youth. where have i gone. i woke up to find my thoughts unlikely and my ferocity already finding another fate. and who was i to do what was right. survival is forgetting, but i need the beauty to keep remembering. where has it gone. the wise speak of my abhorrence knowing i've already flown. passion faded to a light dark grey of anything familiar. there are no reminders. i don't even know what's gone.
current mood:  drained
current music: "elephant" -boa
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(1 spun... | ...i'm spinning;)
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| Sunday, May 19th, 2002
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1:30 pm - i'm still spinning, just not for you
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i want to say you are nothing without me
but we both know you're so much more
without me there
current mood:  good
current music: "oh boy" -cameron (?)
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(...i'm spinning;)
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| Wednesday, May 15th, 2002
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11:32 pm - and so it turned into this
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I couldn’t remember the first time I saw her. I just remembered her face. Those eyes: too deep to be meaningful, too clear to lie. Like those eyes, I always felt torn between two conflicting sides; maybe something close to right or wrong, but I didn't know anything of those supposed indications of emotions. I knew fate or fantasy. And my instincts I could never quite explain were too strong to make any sort of decision based on the morals I could never quite really ever feel.
current mood: five hours at the doctors
current music: "unfoolish" -ashanti
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(...i'm spinning;)
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| Saturday, May 11th, 2002
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9:15 pm
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| Friday, May 10th, 2002
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4:32 pm - why don't you move, dammit.
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| Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
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11:43 pm
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tiabredips: everything is ok in the end, and if it's not ok, it's not the end.
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(...i'm spinning;)
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3:39 pm
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every minute is fragile. her hands fumbled, acryllic wrists circulating over her decisions. her fingers held nothing, like the words he begged to hear. and she knew that no one ever left her, she just pushed them away. but her bones were bright and her head was too heavy, so she kept on. with the spite on the tip of her tongue, she twirled her tiny arms into a tangle, and finished the sentences she wasn't suppose to speak of. every second slips through our actions, and time was too weak to ever wait for him.
current mood:  nauseated
current music: "days go by" -dirty vegas
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(2 spun... | ...i'm spinning;)
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| Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
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12:21 am
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sometimes i miss my old life as much as i missed my father when i was eight years old. i could never really remember what my father was like, but i missed him all the same. just as i barely remember my old life, but i still long for it. those hot summer days, rare as they were, they made everything feel so new. i was new, fresh, everything seemed so untouched...even unreal, i felt unreal. but i gave that up to find my father. and i found him, found myself in him. and it was smart, it was smart of me to give it all up. but still sometimes i miss it so much i would almost go back, i don't. i couldn't. you can't be young again. i am still young, but not untouched, just like the longing for summer days, they aren't so real anymore. i'm not so real anymore. but i will always miss my old life, just as i missed my father when i was eight years old.
current mood: grateful
current music: "cooling" -tori amos
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(...i'm spinning;)
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| Monday, May 6th, 2002
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11:57 am
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i love going to the grocery store in the morning. all the old people are there. i love them. they are my favorite. i wish you could adopt old people instead of babies. when a cute one comes in at work, i always take my break so i can watch them. it's beginning to teeter upon obsession.
current mood: good
current music: "got to give it up" -slick rich and aaliyah
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(4 spun... | ...i'm spinning;)
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| Sunday, May 5th, 2002
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11:19 pm - my soul
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11:11 am
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i want you to know that i am faithless...most of the time. most of the time this is defeat. i've held my head up high and given in to all my pride, but i still have nothing to say for myself, except that i am faithless. and i have tried, and i have cried, for what? for me? for you to come and save me? for anyone to catch me when i push myself down? for this time, this place, this person i have tried to be? tried and cried, cried some more, just to once again be faithless.
current mood:  grumpy
current music: "rabbit in your headlights" -unkle
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(...i'm spinning;)
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1:09 am
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my journal and i got in a little fight this evening. tonight i think i won, tomorrow i'll probably agree that my ass was kicked.
see for yourself and look at my attempts to decode the html business at 1am.
yay me, yay SATs, yay lack of sleep.
current mood:  crazy
current music: "faithless" -injected
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(2 spun... | ...i'm spinning;)
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| Friday, May 3rd, 2002
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10:23 pm
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"all the chisels i've dulled
carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand
beneath the waves
i've recklessly built
all my dreams in the sand
just to watch them
all wash away
through another day
another trial
another chance to reconcile
to one who sees past all i see
reaching out my weary hand
i pray that you'd understand
you're the only one
who's faithful to me"
and i ask myself - who has ever been faithful to me?
current mood: empty
current music: "creep" -tlc
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(9 spun... | ...i'm spinning;)
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cold
hyper
